cycle two negative pregnancy tests

Cycle two is over, and Twoby hasn’t eventuated.

I’ve got some complicated feelings about this.

I started doing home pregnancy tests from the earliest possible stage this month, and each time I watched the single line appear without its partner, I noticed that one of the emotions I was experiencing was… relief.

That, of course, immediately shifted into guilt and confusion, but I tried to sit with the feelings as they were, and work out what was going on.

cycle two thinking

And it boils down to my old friends (and I use the word quite wrongly), anxiety and depression.

I’d lowered the dose of the medication I use to manage them in the leadup to trying to conceive, with the intention of sticking out any increase in symptoms until after the pregnancy. Unfortunately the reality of doing that has proved way harder than it sounds.

I’ve had two serious depressive dips in the (roughly) two months since the last dose reduction, and I don’t think I’ve recovered from either to a suitably functional state.

The impact on my overall health has been bad. I’ve seen a resurgence in my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome symptoms (from which I have been relatively free for some time). I’ve felt exhausted and vulnerable on more than one level.

It’s also effected Arty and SJ, which is just unacceptable to me.

these dorks

When I looked at those negative pregnancy tests, the feeling of relief came from knowing I wouldn’t be subjecting an innocent foetus to 9 months of living inside my messed up, confused, exhausted body.

It was relief that I wouldn’t yet have to worry about figuring out how to be a good mother to two when, at the moment, I don’t think I’m being a good enough mother to one.

I felt this relief because somewhere in my gut, I knew that things aren’t quite as they should be right now. Even though I didn’t want to admit it out loud.

I went to see my doctor, and got tested for a whole bunch of physiological things that could be contributing to this feeling, and they all came back negative. This isn’t an iron deficiency, a lack of vitamin D, a thyroid problem, or diabetes. It’s the fact that, in order to be a functional person, I need a reasonable dose of medication to help lower my huge levels of anxiety, or I become unmanageably exhausted and depressed.

The upshot of all this is that we’re taking a break from stork-chasing. We’re working on making sure that every member of the family we already have is as happy and as well as they can be. Because that’s the most important thing of all.