this afternoon i watched maybe baby by shannon o’rourke. it’s a documentary that follows six women (most single, one lesbian) as they try to conceive through iui and ivf.
they all had different experiences, one got pregnant on her first try, another miscarried, another used donor eggs as well as donor sperm. what they had in common was a powerful longing to be mothers, and a willingness to do whatever was in their power to make that happen.
as i watched, i identified so strongly with the longing that they felt. i recognised the shaking hands holding the home pregnancy test. i understood the mental bargaining that they did with themselves, the hopeful planning they all did as they waited…
but in the end i’ve been more struck with the differences between us.
as they talked about the financial, physical and emotional cost of the fertility treatment they received, and as the camera followed them into doctor’s surgeries and focused on needles, stirrups, and catheters, i was reminded of how grateful i am that we weren’t forced down that path.
when they received bad or disappointing news alone, when they attended doctor’s appointments on their own, i thought about what a wonderful partner i have in s, and how lucky i am to be taking this journey with her.
when they recounted how many months and years they had tried and failed to get pregnant, i thanked my stars that it only took us three cycles to get pregnant. i mean, i have wanted this for a long time, and i definitely feel like i’ve been on a journey to this place for years (planning, hoping, preparing…) but at the end of the day, i really only had three cycles of anxiously hoping, with the real possibility of a pregnancy at stake.
so, i guess i’m just spending some time being grateful this evening. grateful for s, grateful to our donor, grateful that my body did what i needed it to (and continues to!), and grateful for the little person that we’re all waiting to meet in january…