we’ve had our first cycle of trying to conceive.

while i haven’t actually started bleeding yet, i’m petty sure i’m not pregnant this time. i’ve peed on a stick about five times in the last week and each time the second line has been as absent as could be. i’m also getting all the symptoms i tend to get with pms – headaches, skin breakouts, cranky mood… i was so determined not to get my hopes up too high this first time, but of course i did. i was hopeful, and the hope led to excitement and expectation. obviously there’s disappointment when those hopes and expectations aren’t fulfilled. i know i shouldn’t complain, because there are so many couples who are disappointed month after month for years at a time, but my first taste of that has been… well, sad.

meanwhile, i’m having mixed feelings about this experience more generally. not about having a baby, just about what it takes to make one.
while i love the men in my life very much, and find many men to be lovely, and lovable, and very pretty to look at, i really don’t enjoy their bits or the stuff that comes out of them. i just don’t.
and while this process isn’t about enjoyment, it does involve interaction with man-stuff and i am having a more emotional reaction to that than i thought i would. maybe because i associate said man-stuff with men who have treated me very badly, and made me very unhappy in the past (a category of man that our beloved donor definitely does NOT fall into). maybe i’m just more of a lezzer than i ever thought i was (i’ve always identified as bisexual, though i’ve been in a monogamous same-sex relationship for the last seven years). i don’t know. and i don’t know how much it matters. it is what it is.
i wouldn’t say that this reaction makes the insemination experience traumatizing or distressing, but i am definitely having a more emotional and complicated response to it than i expected to, and this has taken me by surprise. i have spent so much time thinking and planning for this – i expected to be much more matter-of-fact about the reality of it.

more to ponder, i guess…